The Paradox of Paradoxes

Did you know that everyone enters into extreme behaviour of one sort or another as it is human nature to do so. It is the nature of every species on this planet in order to secure it's survival to at times be extreme. Mostly such behaviours are short lived flare ups to rectify a cock-up to bring things back into balance because of something else veering toward an extreme. If we look at what our extreme behaviours consist of things get rather interesting.

Most people reading this blog will have heard of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), but the latest thinking is that we are all inclined to be obsessive over something or other at some point in our lives. It's quite fortunate that some are obsessive about health as without many doing so we wouldn't have the marvellous miracles that lead to treatments to help manage what is currently incurable as well as cures for what can be cured.

We all have our particular favourite things to turn to in our darkest hours, from sports and arts to studying all manner of subjects. We have our retail therapies too but here any of those can all too quickly and easily get out of hand. From alcohol and drugs to fashion and technological gadgetry and of course fame and fortune and political campaigning.

These last three have, in recent years arguably become some of the most dangerous obsession of all for they fuel motivations that lie behind globally dangerous obsessive behaviours. The paradox being that it is not actually fame, fortune or political powers that anyone really craves the most, it is acknowledgement and acceptance for just being human. Our achievements say something about what we can do, but do not in any real sense tell us much about who we actually are either as individuals or as a species.

The news headlines are awash with examples of obsessive behaviours. You don't have to be a compulsive abuser in the form or a rapist or terrorist to make the news. You just have to excel or be extreme at something, from finance to science, from making things to organising - the media tells us that to be successful requires us to be extreme - including reporting things!

Another angle to look at obsessive behaviour from is that of being dedicated, focussed and determined to become high achievers. It's an interesting question as to whether we are wise to encourage more people to become experts in their field as their journey is often a dangerous one. They often come from disturbing backgrounds and those that don't soon find the level of responsibility to be a genius 24/7 a pain in the neck with no time off. The result is often a serious and long-term if not life-long mental illness of some descriptive or another.

It is perhaps not surprising that given the primary purpose of any species is to reproduce that so much abuse comes in a sexual format as it is another coping strategy obsession. Most of us luckily know where to draw the line and respect other people's boundaries, sadly the damage caused by those who don't profoundly affects everyone in the world, our social structures and how laws are shaped by our governments. The same is true of financial abuse but as to psychological abuse, sadly as we are all guilty of it we'd have to lock ourselves in prison permanently to eradicate it from our planet and the universe beyond.

We cause psychological abuse daily by judging each other unfairly and by not reporting things that we know we should and we are very good at coming up with thousands of excuses for both avoiding doing the 'right thing'. Why do we do that though? The answer is because we have to in order to have a sense of order and structure to be able to function at all. We all have a limit on how much responsibility we can take on our shoulders at any given point and that limit continually varies as we journey through life. At no point in history has everyone reported every crime they have witnessed (the authorities haven't the man power to cope if we all did), but to fail to come forward once serious crimes have been reported is rapidly becoming too serious a matter to tolerate any more. Most petty crimes as a society we self-regulate on and that process starts at school by being told off for pulling someone's hair or for stealing sweets.

The most recent obsessions to emerge in the media are those concerning conspiracy theories and human rights. All governments are conspiratorial because they have to be to keep people safe from causing harm to themselves and the rest of their nation and the indeed the rest of the world. Human rights it seems have become confused with human needs.

Yes, we have a right to express ourselves, but is it right to do so when it causes pain and suffering to others? Human needs will always outrank freedom of speech in this regard but it would help if governments throughout the world would say "yes, we know what the problems are and these are our thoughts on how to fix things. If you have better ideas for a solution here's how to contact us." Cruel and abusive dictatorial regimes no doubt will be the first to invite people to 'open up' to stop them speaking at all. Such behaviour tends to be lead by unstable, dangerous mental ill dictators do they not, but in a world where there are too many voices to be heard and none of them agreeing and all of them angry, what should any government do to prevent things becoming so volatile as to lead to violence?

Luckily most nations in the 21st century favour a more helpful and inclusive approach as they are aware that things tend to work better when they are done by mutual agreement and consent.

Governments throughout the world need constant reminders of what needs to be fixed and fortunately that is where freedom of speech does really help. It shouldn't matter how something is expressed but it does because by taking into account the level of anger and bitterness we can begin to understand the motivation behind what is being said. A person who is not bitter nor resentful but merely passionate expresses themselves quite differently from those who mean no good. Therefore in democratic nations at least, if you are paranoid about officials, so long as you mean no harm you should worry little about what you express with regard to them. They may well put you in hospital to help you not to worry so much and to prevent you from harming yourself or others but that's about all they'll do against your will. Their objective is the same as yours, for all to be well in the world which includes you. Remember it is not only officials you might be upsetting, it's your loved ones too simply through not knowing enough, not understanding enough and not letting you head have a chance against your emotions and fears.

It's not just governments that need reminders, it is actually experts in every field for when we are sufficiently proficient in any profession we begin to lose objectivity and it is actually novices and outsiders that help keep boffins on track. Overall we do it rather well too. Just as a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing, so too can too much knowledge prove just as lethal, but both are equally and mutually helpful toward making progress in all things. Don't forget that those that rule us also have a duty of care and in times of national crisis our governments often need not only to remind us of our humanitarian principles but get us to take some nasty medicine to get us well or make us strong enough to cope with a crisis - rather like mental health teams do in a way.

Just as historically mental health treatments have needed improving (and still do), so too do governments. These are constants that will never change because, like all species we are always changing. We change our ideals, our goals, our aspirations, our dreams and most of all we are forever increasing our demands on what we will accept as... 'fair and reasonable'. We are right to do so as without those motivational elements in our psychologies we cannot evolve, nor can we learn from mistakes. We often learn best from our struggles, our pain, suffering and most of all from our losses the question is, can we learn to learn just as much from our successes to safeguard against the possibilities of dangers created by ourselves?

If you are stumped as to how to combat extremes then here are a few tips.

1. Switch off from thinking or feeling anything by concentrating on getting sleep, exercise and good food inside you.

2. Vary your chosen coping strategies by adding new ones and take control of yourself to do many things little but often as life becomes far more relaxed and fun that way which leads you to being happier and the world becoming more interesting to you.

Everything in moderation except...

The greatest thinkers and doers of all history ensured they had switch off time so that their brains were as much as possible in tip top condition the majority of the time. To be well and happy everything needs to be "in moderation" as one of our Mindwalking mental health professionals pointed out. He then added "including moderation itself". This then threw all of us and resulted in the title of this blog post.

We do sometimes need extremes to let out our pain in the right circles with the right people at the right time. Posting such things on the Internet to strangers can just as easily make matters worse as better which is why it is wiser to campaign for things once we've let go of all those confusing and conflicting emotions. Leave it to your friends to campaign for you to give yourself the break you need to work through just that.

We also need extremes  to share our joys and that is where each and everyone of us can help improve our health instantly. Which would you prefer - to live a life devoted to looking at all the pain and suffering in the world or to live a life that brings comfort, fun and joy to yourself and to others despite all the pain and suffering? Such activities can be as infectious as absorbing, as interesting as fear, terror, anxiety, stress and cruelty.

If we each did managed to get a better balance between helping others while looking after ourselves it would not eradicate suffering but it would help so many more people recover from it to live a happier life of quality - a life worth living. It would also help prevent the severity of suffering and the risk of burnt out medical and emergency service staff from the sheer volume of people in need of help. In effect we should each try to aim to become Unipolar with the difference of being dedicated to seeking solutions instead of problems and joys instead of sorrows. The result of that would be that we'd all be happier and the only criticism others could launch at us would be that we are naive - which we are at exactly the same time as we are the precise opposite.

The answer to the paradoxes of paradoxes is simply to recognise which response in appropriate for each event we encounter and act on it. It is impossible as none of us can know everything to do so, but perhaps then the answer is to just give each other and ourselves a little be more patience, consideration as well as support to work through these things?

Transferring you

"Transference is a phenomenon in psychoanalysis characterized by unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another. One definition of transference is "the inappropriate repetition in the present of a relationship that was important in a person's childhood." Another definition is "the redirection of feelings and desires and especially of those unconsciously retained from childhood toward a new object." Still another definition is "a reproduction of emotions relating to repressed experiences, especially of childhood, and the substitution of another person ... for the original object of the repressed impulses." Transference was first described by Sigmund Freud, who acknowledged its importance for psychoanalysis for better understanding of the patient's feelings." SOURCE: Wikipedia

Rightly or wrongly, and to put this term in psychology into lay man's terms, I prefer to think of transference in terms of all the myriad of assumptions we all make about others. The most important thing to remember about anyone, and following on from 'You are a Centre' is that we can never know everything about anyone. It's not only that we don't have their personalities, reactions, thoughts, feelings and behaviours; we also don't have their histories of experiences. Even identical times vary in their reactions to the exact same upbringing.

We relate to others by recognising what we know of ourselves. This is great when it comes to things we find we have in common, but it can lead to all sorts of trouble when it comes to meeting new people or when there are differences of opinion and behaviour. In lieu of vital information everyone is at least prone to filling in the gaps based on our experiences of 'types' of people, 'types' of behaviour and 'types' of communication. In short, we make assumptions which are seldom based on facts.


"To 'assume' is to make an ASS out of U and ME" is a phrase I came across many years ago. Even now I have to remind myself at times not to make assumptions about others and either ask or wait for more information to be forthcoming. Sometimes that information never materialises, so that all I can reasonably do is act according to the basic facts I do know and in doing so try to remain non-judgemental, impartial and respectful.


The acceptance of not knowing basic information is rarely easy to achieve. As individuals it is always helpful to know where we stand with others; to know what their situation is, how they are feeling and what they are thinking. It can greatly aid how we communicate with them. For example, a manager might need to instruct a member of staff that they'd like them to undertake new responsibilities, but either the timing or how that is phrased can (and in my view should) be shaped by where and who that staff member is at that time. Would they welcome the challenge or fear it? Best not to assume.


Assumptions can not only make things awkward and difficult, but they can even become incredibly damaging. Gossips thrive on assumptions. Whenever you hear phrases like "they're jealous", "they're attention seekers" or "they're control freaks" etc, be careful. Such phrases are not statements of fact, but of personal opinion, far better to add "I think" before all such phrases to take ownership of those opinions. That way it soon becomes clear whether or not gossips have a good word to say about anyone. Equally this applies to seemingly positive phrases such as "they're brave", "they're amazing," or "they're a survivor" as it can lead to unrealistic expectations of individuals and the false concept that that person never has any need of support or is invincible. While it may be true some of the time, it is unlikely to be true all of the time.


Both imply a variety of personality characteristics which can be unfair, unjustified, unhelpful and in some instances damaging. What if the person you think to be jealous isn't at all? What if that brave person needs your help? The assumptions we make about others and the opinions we hold and express say far more about us than they ever will about the person they are referring to.


I am not against all forms of gossiping as it can be helpful to release tension and to inform people to raise a concern over another person's well-being, but ownership of what are our feelings is I believe, always advisable. When we make assumptions about others we are imposing (or transferring) our thoughts about them. We are seldom accurate and often completely wrong due to the lack of facts. Even when we are right we are not them so if we happen to correctly observe that someone is sad, angry, tense, elated, happy, ambitious or anything else it is to be remembered that they are in their way and not in the same way as we would be if we were experiencing those emotions. We can never be them so therefore we can never be completely right about them. Yet transferring our interpretation onto someone else is common to all of us; it's natural, normal and in many instances is a healthy thing to do.


When we hear of someone we care about on the receiving end of a disappointment we automatically draw upon our own memories of what disappoint feels like to empathise with them. If you imagine your brain to be a library of files of information about emotions, thoughts and behaviours we soon come to realise how vast that depository of information is. Even under the 'disappointment section' an infinite variety of variations are possible. The disappointment over not getting a job is different from the disappointment at not securing an item on eBay, not being asked out by someone we're smitten by or of spilling tomato sauce down you. Depending on which is most important to you at the time the experience can change and so too can the level of importance you place on it. If that's true of you, it is also true of everyone else.


In "Sometimes being strong means letting go" I cited how I was protecting myself and coming up with a contingency plan should my house move not go ahead. It's now not going to and yes I am disappointed but this doesn't mean that I have been in floods of tears. Others might be in such a situation, but if so they will be for a variety of reasons which have not been factors of my set of circumstances. I have been angry by how that dream/ambition got shattered but over all I feel relieved because to go through with it could have ended up with me buying a money-pit of trouble.


This illustrates just how only knowing a single fact can limit our understanding and our ability to say or do anything that is supportive of those we care about. Negative feelings can be helpful to help us to adjust and recover, but in order to maintain our health it is wise to remind ourselves of where the boundaries of fact and fiction lie and not to feed the negative emotions beyond their usefulness.


It is wise to guard against transferring what our reactions would be to another person's situation. When we make statements such as "they're brave" or "they're jealous" what we are actually doing is seeing them through our eyes, imposing our values on their behaviour and their way of communicating. We are putting ourselves in their shoes but as ourselves, not as them. What might seem to be an act of bravery to us, is rarely what that person regards as bravery. What you might get jealous about is probably not what others get jealous over. Demonstrating a degree of empathy through drawing upon our own experiences can be a positive thing, but it is always subject to the pitfall of simply not being that person. Their behaviour is not yours and nor are their thoughts or feelings.


In most situations it is useful to think about how we would feel, think and behave in someone else's circumstances as it can help us to become considerate, understanding and supportive so long as we never forgot to listen for how that individual wants to respond to that situation; so long as we remain respectful of their choice in what they want to do. There are exceptions though. Any parent set upon preventing their child from trying to scale a tree branch that would never hold their weight is one, as are any and all circumstances that have the potential to put a person's safety in jeopardy. On the other hand a parent trying to prevent their teenage son or daughter trying to pursue a career they are passionate about... perhaps not.


As with all things regarding relationships, they stand a better chance of becoming more rewarding through sharing information than not, if handled with sensitivity and respect.


Arguably the most valuable use of transference is when we apply it to prevent causing ourselves harm.  By asking ourselves "would we do to others what we are doing to ourselves," can be a very revealing question to consider. Would we harm others, torture others with stress and worry, not bother to find help for those we love or even a stranger? Would we be happy about them being bullied or a victim of abuse? If the answer is 'no' to when it comes to others, we should never permit such things for ourselves and wherever possible, prevent it.


In my experience of working with the mentally ill it is alarming how much damage sufferers cause themselves in this regard. Not wanting to worry, distress or 'be a burden' to loved ones is common. It was evident in abundance in my mother's illness but the effect was that I was all the more distressed because I didn't know what troubled her and therefore could do next to nothing to help. How could I or anyone even know where to begin without that basic information?


People can surprise you with the support they can offer and are willing to offer if you give them the opportunity to do so. Yes, you have to be careful about who you trust to protect your safety, but that's why I feel it's all the more important to try to inform many rather than rely on one person. It doesn't mean you have to tell everyone everything though, but I believe there is safety in letting several people know if you are experiencing any difficulty. It is also far more likely to result in doors opening for any ambitions you are trying to achieve.


None of us are superhuman and in my opinion, no one should ever expect either themselves or others to be infallible. However, by learning to become aware of our assumptions and the difference between the circumstances which make them useful and those which are unhelpful to ourselves and others we can help both. In the process we can take major steps toward becoming a person others respect and value to have around if we choose to be considerate and understanding. Most of all it can help prevent the pitfall of all manner of relationship problems as well as spiralling toward dangerous levels of paranoia for ourselves.


For this reason, I advocate assumption (or presumption) awareness (as I choose to call it) as a means to prevent not only damage to others, but also to ourselves. I recommend always taking ownership of our own opinions, but allow that they may be wrong or may need to change in the light of new facts emerging. Be prepared to change your mind when new information becomes available and most of all, I recommend taking a step back from any difficult or emotional situation and look upon them all as much as possible with an objective eye, independent of all the circumstances and the people involved. Ask, "How would a stranger look on this if they heard from all those involved."


This is a phenomenal ability, tool and skill to acquire and is worth the investment of learning to master it as I've discovered it to be invaluable to help me in just about every situation and relationship of my life. It's not to say I don't forget sometimes, but using assumption awareness has already saved me from slipping into serious bouts of depression and as a bonus has greatly enhanced the relationships with others that I value most. You too, I firmly believe can do the same regardless of whether you have ever suffered mental illness or not.


PS: Please don't assume I am an authority on anything though. I am merely able to articulate my opinions to a certain degree! Such as been one of the benefits from what I call 'learning assumption awareness'.