Three Little Pyrite Pigs

Pyrite is also known as fool's gold and the little pigs we all seem to fall foul of are far from little. In the fairytale wolf tries to invade the houses of three pigs. One house is made of straw and the wolf blows it away to get at the pig inside. The second pig makes his home out of sticks and the wolf succeeds by huffing and puffing in blowing that in too.  The third pig builds his home out of brick, but the wolf cannot huff and puff enough to succeed in demolishing a brick house, so the pig (or pigs, depending on which version of the story you go with) remain safe inside.

Wise Wolves

It's sometimes tricky using metaphors to explain things as the word pig has associations with greed and muck. So one analogy of this simple fairy tale might be that the wolf is a hero forcing the pigs to think more sensibly about what they want from life in order to be happy and safe. In such an interpretation it would be easy to view mental health teams as wolves with their nagging and eternal checks on every aspect of our existence until the time comes when their help is not required. 

No one likes to be analysed in such an intensive way, even if it is for our own well being. The process can and often does encourage us to blurt out everything and dwell on our nastiest memories and worst behaviours and this can result in new bad habits forming; much depends on how experienced the mental health practitioners are. If we are not careful we can become addicts to being ill as it is often easier than fighting the stigma, ignorance and prejudice of the rest of society. 

Luckily the days of ending up in a mental health hospital on anyone's hearsay are gone in the UK. It now takes three people to agree on any one person needing hospitalisation under the Mental Health Act of 1983. All have to be highly qualified. Once in hospital, it is likely to take a team of four or more people to get one patient well enough to return home. They usually include a psychiatrist, a GP (doctor), a psychologist, a Community Psychiatric Nurse and a Social Worker. Other medical staff can include nursing staff in the hospital and a variety of therapists or counsellors. All of them can seem as if they are the enemy with their prying questions which often get repeated by way of checking up on your progress.

Unfortunately there are still old school thinkers about among medical staff, but they are steadily decreasing in number thanks to brave sufferers that refuse to be spoken to as if they are already lobotomised. In all cases staff and patients must be able to 'click' for any treatment to work. Staff cannot help those that 'confess' what they are thinking, feeling or doing that might be at the root of the suffering. No one can, but much relies upon staff listening carefully and thoroughly to what any patient finds so distressing. It is interesting to note that the mentally ill are seldom unable to function at something. However, while we continue to live in a world where the mentally ill are largely unwelcome, few are given the chance to function in society at all.

Pyrite Pigs

For the purposes of this article the pigs are the addictions that we are all susceptible to. They are the behaviours of people rather than the people themselves and with aggressive marketing techniques forever bombarding us all it is little wonder that people become disturbed, confessed, stressed and anxious. They are not little pigs at all, they are huge as there is no escaping them in mainstream society for they govern just about every aspect of our lives. Rather than think of ourselves as pigs, we should be thinking in terms of a 'pig of a problem' to overcome.

According the latest thinking among the good guys and gals of psychiatry (i.e. those that actually listen and work with the mentally ill and not dictate to them), everyone is suffering from obsessive compulsive disorder and everyone is on the autistic scale too. It is just a matter of to what level and over what that can herald problems. One the best ways to illustrate this is to look at what we spend our money on.  

This little piggy is money

In the developed world we shop for our joys quite literally. Here’s a brief list of some of the things we spend our money on in order to reward ourselves to make our lives more comfortable, stimulating and of course pleasurable. 

Food, clothes and shoes, sports, games, crafts, books, specific interests (e.g. the history or mechanics), holidays, relaxation, alcohol, socialising, gambling, donating to charities, clubs and societies, business advice and events, illegal drugs, investments, cars, homes, tobacco, technology and the latest must have thing or experience.

Of these none of these treats are safe in excess.

People who do not have money or very little of it do not have those “cheer up” options. They will also seldom have much in the way of connections to support them by way of family, friends, neighbours or colleagues at work or indeed information with regard to support services which are already stretched. Hence we have all manner of charities and community initiatives to try to save those that would otherwise fall through the nets like a kind of holding pen for when professional support is freed up. It is debatable if it is enough while we remain in a recession especially when so many services have been whittled down to only offer crisis services. All support is also utterly pointless if people’s trust in the system has been betrayed, or if people do not or will not share what troubles them. In a recession, retail therapy is a high risk game to play if you do not stick to a manageable budget.

When any of us are depressed or low in mood our behaviours change to compensate us for being of low mood. Some will look for something to cheer themselves up (called the distraction technique in psychology). This can include an increase in our spending on items we find in shops and on sale on the internet, as well as an increase in our social and work activities. 

In moderation that is never anything to worry about, in excess it is.

This bigger piggy is power

It is surprising how few people even know or have thought of why people turn to alcohol and illegal drugs given how stressful the life can be at times. Put simply they do so to escape their sufferings without thinking about what it will end up costing them health wise, financially and socially with regard to stigma and prejudice. Thereby they end up reducing their chances of ever getting support exponentially. It is often the exact same behaviour that normal people engage in when they are having an off colour day but in excessive proportion; the difference is that that proportion is out of control. Some illegal drugs, such as cocaine can result in a person feeling invincible when in fact nothing could be further from the truth. When we turn to heavy weight drug abuse we are on the road to destroying everything good we already have.

Power can be addictive too. Those who have it generally fall into two distinct categories; philanthropists and do their best to give back to the community, and those who become so addicted to accumulating wealth that they become harmful to our societies and communities while becoming increasingly dissatisfied with everything around them. We often think of the latter as psychopaths or sociopaths but it isn’t the soul domain of the wealthy to be psychopaths. Not being permitted to care about anyone for long enough can result in even the poorest person not caring. Corporate psychopaths are by far the most damaging as they usually care so little that thousands suffer as a result of their business practices which can be brutal, vicious and dictatorial. 

There would be no need to place a cap on any income if it was law that businesses as well as individuals must give back to the community – punishment for failing to do so could be a cap on income and level of responsibility instead of what is currently and commonly the reverse. Surely we collectively have wit enough to make that happen without any need to totally ruin that person’s life forever. Make it compulsory for such people to see a psychologist and we would minimise the risk of millions suffering while and helping them at the same time.

In the middle of rich and poor we have the ordinary folk who get sucked into things they think they need in order to reach the upper echelons of society and who end up having to field the extremes of those at the top of tree and those who are poor, often destitute and above all desperate. Keeping up with the Joneses is a power game.

Everyone makes mistakes but when anyone is disallowed to function sufficiently it leads to resentment, deep unhappiness and ultimately huge problems for the individual, those who know them and for our societies. A maxim from the world of business and industry that is thankfully beginning to catch on is:

 “Look after the others and the others will take care of you”. 

It has been proved and is proving to work. Joseph Rowntree (look him up on Wikipedia) in the 19^th century proved it by not only providing its labour force work, but also homes, education and access to basic health care.

This biggest piggy it the hardest piggy of all - relationships 

If the first pig is money and the second pig is power then the third pig is the hardest and toughest of all - relationships. 


As individuals all of us have a degree of responsibility to correct our own and group behaviours. None of us can do it alone, but together we might be able to make a far happier and fairer world. How and where do we even begin to start? Who and what do we start with?

We start by acknowledging our most basic of instincts is to survive as a species. In order to survive most of us are governed my the desire to have sex and sexual relationships can be the trickiest of all to get just right. Sexual relationships are so complicated that it warrants a separate article. Here though it is enough to note that impressing the person who is the target of our dreams often leads us to shop 'til we drop or push ourselves career wise. Some argue that having many sexual partners is the only way they can be happy, however while that may be fine for them it is seldom fine for all their sexual partners. Promiscuity often causes many long term damage. 

To get any relationship right requires consideration, communication that is clear and up to date and acknowledgement of everyone's right to be themselves. This applies within our social and work circles and most of all in our relationships with our families.

When it comes to relationships is it less a question of “Is it something you can change in that person”, more a question of "Am I being fair to that person?" when tensions run high. Then we need to think about “Do I want to do something about it, yes or no?” Therein lies the key. Do we? For without that desire to consider other people's needs and change for the better nothing can ever change for the better.

This is at the crux of mental health as no medical team on this planet can change anyone. We have to be resolute in wanting to ditch what makes us unhappy in the first place that is within ourselves rather than enter into blaming everyone else. If others are that damaging to you - leave. Get support to do so if you need to.

Next is to identify in precise and minute detail what it is that we want to change about ourselves, then what to and only afterwards comes the how, who to seek support from, when and so on. This process is the same whether we are trying to overcome difficulties in any type of relationship or emotional distress.

We will never stand a cat in hell’s chance to get the formula right while we are bickering and competing for attention or being in anyway emotional. We need to don our thinking hats first, however, often we need another outlet for our emotions first before our thinking hat can sit comfortably without pinching or giving us a headache. 

We need to communicate, calmly, clearly and coherently which sadly is not usually the domain of people who are desperate for help, but the first step toward helping anyone recover is to listen first to what isn’t or hasn’t worked isn’t it? That way we identify exactly what it is that needs sorting. When we are mentally well we are all capable of this. When we are concerned for others we do this whether we are well or not, so it follows that we could be doing this more of the time when we are ill. That little bit of difference can in the long run make the biggest difference of all.

“Where there’s a will there’s a way.” 

There is no person or section of society that is without risk to their mental well being. The latest thinking in mental health circles is that "We are all potentially a car crash waiting to happen.” To put it another way – life’s a lottery and instead of thinking why me, what we should be thinking is why shouldn’t it be me that suffers next? What am I doing to prevent this happening to me or my loved ones? We already do this with regard to many physical ailments, diseases and illnesses, but seldom stop to think about what we can do to prevent the most important organ in our bodies - our brains.

Our brains define who we are and they are the control centre for everything else. If we can master it to adopt a helpful attitude to combat whatever life may throw at us, then wouldn't we also be equipping ourselves to overcome whatever we perceive to be the worst happening? 

You are a centre... of the universe

My father once gave me a present of an autograph book and his entry in it read "You are a centre; a centre of the universe." Note, he didn't write "the" centre of the universe, only "a" centre. This implies that each person can only ever be the centre to their universe and not the centre to anyone else's.

Hands up if you are there for anyone else 24/7, no matter what the problem might be, however large or small, major or trivial. Any hands up? Take them down, you are lying to yourself and in the process putting your own health at risk. We cannot be there 24/7 for anyone if we are to be well ourselves. We cannot live their lives for them and nor can they do that for us. We each have to have something in reserve for ourselves in order to be able to survive whatever life throws at us. We each have the right, merit and deserve time and space for ourselves to enjoy and engage in our interests, hobbies, aspirations and to deal with our own problems.

I have met so many people who try to be 'people-pleasers' and have been one myself. If we strive to always do anything we can to ingratiate others; to avoid confrontation, to keep the peace, to keep others happy at all costs we end up negating our own needs. This is particularly important to remember to avoid being gaslighted (see last article), undermined and negated by others. When we put others first all the time we start to establish relationships whereby others feel free to use us as a doormat to wipe their shoes on and before long that may end up being all we are to them. By such behaviour we can end up being taken for granted with no respect shown toward us as people or for our own needs.

This doesn't mean we have to be callous, selfish or not be supportive of those we want to help though. It simply means we need to learn the importance of setting our own boundaries (also outlined in an earlier post) and of how to be assertive enough to ensure those boundaries are maintained. It means we need to be honest with ourselves about where our limits lie. Knowing when and where to cut your losses and when to stick by people when they're hurting you or when to tell someone you can't help are all incredibly important to our well-being.

An example of a difficult choice

Since I started to practice putting myself first I have had to make many difficult decisions about who and when to support others. Hardest of all to me was learning to say 'No, sorry I can't help'. Whenever I have done so the other person has to manage and so far at least, they have coped without me. They do so because just like I have had to do in times of trouble, they have found the means by which to survive. They have chosen to do so. Not really surprising as the alternative is so unattractive. It has seldom been a case that I have had to pull away permanently.

It was an extremely bitter pill to swallow to have to recognise my own limits in this way. However, it doesn't mean I stopped caring about those people or that my heart didn't and doesn't still go out to them. I know though that I made the right choice for me in pulling away for the sake of my own well-being at those times.

If I hadn't been that honest with myself I would probably have ended up getting very ill and making matters worse for them as well as myself simply through not knowing how to be of help and not having the energy or commitment to do so. In some cases I have since learned how to be of support for them, and have gone back to them to help but only once I looked after myself first.

Taking time out for yourself isn't always down to having troubles. Everyone has dreams and aspirations; we all have a right to chase them and make time for them. By fulfilling our own needs we become stronger and more able to be of support to others.

These things highlight how vital it is to recognise that you can never be the centre of anyone else's universe. You can only be the centre of your own and do what feels right for you in it at any given point. Yes, it can seem that you are selfish at times, but you may need to be and not just for you but for others too.

Empowerment
There is a danger in being too supportive as doing so can lead to others becoming too dependent on you instead of them learning to cope for themselves. Personally I have developed a passion about helping to empower people which is far better for them and for ourselves. Empowerment puts those you are supporting in control of their own lives. It involves giving them the tools to do so and gives them the freedom of making their own decisions. It's a million miles away from spoon-feeding, advice or 'doing for others'. It enables us to enjoy the same freedoms on our own journey of development instead of leading to feelings of being burdened, obliged to help or of being tied down. Provide farmland with access to water and the farmer can do the rest himself.

You might be disappointed if someone says "no" to giving you a lift to collect a bit of shopping from town, but we need to recognise that the request might come at an awkward time and that constantly saying "yes" does not encourage someone to find a way of making their own way there. They too have to walk away at times, so why turn it into an ordeal to say no? At all times we have to set our boundaries on what we can handle and we should learn to accept that this is the case for others too.

We all have a multitude of different relationships in our lives; family, close friends, acquaintances, colleagues and professional relationships. Each person we know or meet has the potential of being a member of not just one but several of these categories as our relationships develop. A close friend one day may end up being relegated to the level of a mere acquaintance or a professional relationship may blossom into a close friendship or end up marrying you! Not being equipped with a crystal ball, none of us can be certain of anything and in truth nothing is written in stone unless we ourselves carve it there.

For each instance of universes colliding and needs clashing, there is the potential for an equal number of instances of them coinciding and becoming symbiotic for there are millions of people in the world, some of whom will be a source of support for who we are even if others cannot or will not be.

Timing and talking
Getting a balance on helping others and looking after yourself is always going to be an ongoing challenge due to timing. Relationships will always undergo good and bad phases as life continually sets challenges to overcome and I believe we should not expect to be on the same wavelength with anyone during all these phases. It is frequently a question of timing as to whether we receive or can provide assistance.

Anger over people not being there for us in a time of need often escalates. It can lead to feelings of betrayal, rejection and isolation to add to the frustration when people don't respond or don't seem interested in our individual universe. It can hurt and cause damage. Sometimes though, lack of support can be down to us not stating we are in need of it; at others it might be because we have gone to the other extreme of swamping people by offloading our troubles too much when others have difficulties of their own or, they might not know how to help because we don't let them or accept what they can offer.

Support can come in many forms - a friend you might think would be best to turn to for emotional support might not be in a place to offer it, but they might help ease things with some practical aid instead. People can surprise you so that the emotional support you seek could come from someone you didn't expect could provide it.

There are days when I wish we could all do a check-in to see who needs what and from there devise a volunteer list of supporters and 'support services' on offer so we can work as a team to trouble-shoot our way through difficulties. None of us has the monopoly on providing support, but it doesn't mean we can't offer it in some way - even directing people to other sources of help can be invaluable. We are not bad people for acknowledging our limitations; we are wise to do so because we are less likely to cause further damage to others or ourselves when we accept our limits.

Remember that some problems do require professional help and not just on an emotional level. You could for example, end up perpetuating financial problems by trying to sort them for others or even for yourself. Constantly paying someone else's bills does not help them to learn to manage their own money. When we try to go into 'rescuing others mode' we are feeding a need of our own, that of needing to be needed. The trouble with that is it's not properly addressing the feelings of loneliness that are frequently at the root of those needs. Far better to learn to be appreciated for who you are than end up constantly being 'used' by others and taken for granted.

Rescuers and 'people-pleasers' can all too easily be stopping others develop their own strengths. We don't learn to walk by constantly seeking a parent to carry us.

Just as there is a danger of giving too much of ourselves to others, so too is there a danger of being too dismissive when we are progressing with our lives. Be honest, haven't there been times when you've been irritated, upset or annoyed by others not understanding your need to move forward?

An Exercise

Imagine that at long last all your dreams and aspirations are at the brink of coming true; you're excited, elated and happy. Imagine that something comes along to throw a spanner in the works to drag you back and make it all seem out of reach because another person needs your support. Now imagine you at your worst and lowest. How would you want to be told that someone can't help you because they need to make their dream happen?

Perhaps the pledge we should all make is "I will always strive to do my best to care and show support wherever I can when I can in the ways that I can, but recognise that I am not perfect. I accept I will make mistakes and might hurt others even though I will never want or intend to because I own I have limitations and will therefore have to put my needs first sometimes."

It is never easy to strike the balance between our needs and the needs of others, but learning to respect and accept that everyone else is the centre of their own universe does help. Respecting the needs of others can open doors to them respecting yours.

Avoiding total selfishness
It is not uncommon for victims of bullying and abuse to turn into selfish people themselves later on in life. It can take just one significant influential relationship or event in your life to change your perspective on absolutely everything and every one. Make sure the influences upon you are positive ones i.e. ones that empower you but that don't encourage total selfishness or a lack of consideration and respect toward others.

Equally it is not uncommon for people adept in caring for others to seemingly stop caring about anyone at all because they suddenly feel or come to realise that their own needs are not being met. They can feel uncared for and unresponded to in this regard. I firmly believe that bullies and selfish people are troubled people in their own right. They can be victims in disguise and their behaviour can stem from a need to prevent being badly hurt again. Although this helps a little to understand them, it is of no help to their victims. Ever heard the phrase 'attack is the best form of defence'? Selfishness is often just the same. Avid and aggressive abusers are frankly beyond all my powers of understanding, so there I have to draw line on help I am prepared to offer and have to hope that professionals can make some difference if only by keeping them away from potential victims.

Whether verbal or physical, mild or intense, in all cases such things can be complex to unravel to put straight. In such circumstances it is best to seek counselling or psychotherapy of some kind whether you feel yourself becoming selfish/uncaring or are the victim of any form of abuse from others. It is nothing new to the professionals. A counsellor once told me there are only two types of client - victims and bullies. Certainly it is one interpretation of how to look at things, albeit simplistic.

The trick to me seems to be to avoid extremes and to seek a balance. If you are not used to the middle ground of balance you may need help to find it, but it's worthwhile seeking the help to achieve that balance because what's at stake is your well-being, your self-esteem, respect and interest from others, rewarding relationships and ultimately happiness within yourself and an enduring liking of who you are. Well worth the self investment of a bit of counselling I found.

We can all be centres of just our own universe, but unless we are connected to other people's we are unlikely to achieve or enjoy sustained and deep inner peace and happiness.

Selfish Angry Wolves

A Native American Parable

A grandfather to his grandson said,

"I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart.

One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one.

The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one."

The grandson asked him,

"Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?"

The grandfather answered,

"The one I feed."

Just as there are pitfalls in being too selfless so there are pitfalls from being too selfish, and what strikes me about both is what they have in common – loneliness - and both selflessness and selfishness can become habitual.

Selflessness often is a symptom of a person feeling undeserving. Selfishness often stems from a person feeling hard done by; feelings that the world owes them for some hurt or injustice that person feels (rightly or wrongly) has been done to them.

Selfishness can manifest itself through greed, through lack of consideration of others, through criticisms of others, bullying, dismissal, lack of response to others among many other things. In my experience it is common for it to go hand in hand with an inner anger, which if allowed to fester and escalate becomes outward aggression. And to me anger is usually triggered by a fear of something. It's a defence, a barrier and alienates others from caring or getting close to cause them more harm. The usual argument for people who are selfish is that others don't care about them so they just go for what they want and sod what others think or feel.

This is where not being responsible for how others react can be used in a negative way. As outlined previously we are not responsible for the reactions of others, but it doesn't follow we have the right to railroad over other people’s needs or sensitivities. We don't. When we suffer depression though it can be exactly what happens.

If we want others to care about us, we simply cannot expect them to do so if we are not prepared to consider them.

When crashing headlong into psychosis I remember just how self obsessed and downright selfish I was. I wasn't interested in other people's lives; their feelings, their problems - I was wholly consumed with my own. There was nothing else happening in the world but pain and hurt descending on me.

I wanted, and did, lash out at everyone despite efforts from people to be supportive. But to me the form of the help was all wrong and damaging; try as I might I could not explain how or why, which just fuelled my frustration and anger. Paradoxically my fear was that I would be alone, that others would only ever hurt me.

Looking back, I now realize that the thing I needed the most was acknowledgement of my pain in losing my father. I needed others to sit and listen to me talk about him instead of trying to distract me from my thoughts about him. To some extent I still feel justified for feeling hurt by others for them not doing that; it costs so little to listen and means so much, but then I didn't make it easy for them to do so either.

On top of this I lost my job and was having all sorts of financial and practical difficulties too. It really did seem that the world was; if not out to get me, then at least not there for me anymore. I felt alone and didn't like it. I felt punished for being bereaved. I felt as if I was still being expected to go on as usual as if nothing bad had happened as people still wanted my support. I felt angry and totally justified in being selfish.

Depression of this kind is debilitating. Self awareness of our behaviour goes out the window. The ability to step out of our own shoes and see things from someone else's perspective becomes lost. Depression in this respect is a form of selfish indulgence.

Eventually because of my unquenchable anger, I alienated everyone and my thoughts became increasingly disturbed and distorted. I became psychotic and got the help I needed to untie a lot of deep rooted knots. One of the things that made my bereavement more complicated was some of the distressing and disturbing things that were hinted at about my Dad. Although far from perfect I'd always thought he was generally ok; a bit thoughtless but not a malicious man. My dilemma was what to believe of him and how to reconcile the conflicting impressions of him that were going round. Too late to talk to him direct and find out.

In some ways it was unreasonable for me to expect or demand others to be able to be of support as it was beyond their own experience and they didn't know what to say or do for the best.

Only after I was released from sectioning did I get the counselling and acknowledgement of my distress that I had needed for so long. I resolved to settle on what felt fair and right for me to believe of my Dad, and had to ignore what others felt. I also learned to respect that others had the right to hold an entirely different opinion as their relationship was different and he may well have hurt and damaged them. I reclaimed my compassion for others and found I hadn't lost my empathy; it merely got confused for a while.

In truth we are all selfish at times and need to be to work through difficulties; unravel emotional upsets; sort out practical problems. The best way to do so is to inform others that that is what we need to do at that time. When selfishness becomes habitual, aggressive, a symptom of bitterness and anger we need to seek help to get to the reasons behind it to put them to rest. If we don't, we risk being alone, ill and perpetually miserable. No amount of material goods or money will compensate us, no amount of point scoring over others, bullying, belittling or dismissal of milder temperaments will help.

I doubt that any habitually selfish people are reading this blog, but just in case... A wise person once told me that when we criticize others we are also being critical of an aspect of ourselves that we don't like and don't want to admit to.

I believe that in truth everyone wants acknowledgement for their good side, not their bad and, I believe we all want to feel acknowledged, accepted and loved despite our faults. That doesn't come from being malicious, vindictive or cruel.

All emotions should be transient. All behaviours should be down to choice. All thoughts should be part of a plan of action toward happiness. The balance between selflessness and selfishness is a tricky one and neither should be allowed to take control of our lives. Both are extremes to be avoided. The balance is hard to find and nigh on impossible whenever we dwell and brood. The answer to this requires a lot of self work, and a lot of self-awareness and the courage to be honest about our own faults.

To be happy though it’s best not to feed the angry wolf.