You are a centre... of the universe

My father once gave me a present of an autograph book and his entry in it read "You are a centre; a centre of the universe." Note, he didn't write "the" centre of the universe, only "a" centre. This implies that each person can only ever be the centre to their universe and not the centre to anyone else's.

Hands up if you are there for anyone else 24/7, no matter what the problem might be, however large or small, major or trivial. Any hands up? Take them down, you are lying to yourself and in the process putting your own health at risk. We cannot be there 24/7 for anyone if we are to be well ourselves. We cannot live their lives for them and nor can they do that for us. We each have to have something in reserve for ourselves in order to be able to survive whatever life throws at us. We each have the right, merit and deserve time and space for ourselves to enjoy and engage in our interests, hobbies, aspirations and to deal with our own problems.

I have met so many people who try to be 'people-pleasers' and have been one myself. If we strive to always do anything we can to ingratiate others; to avoid confrontation, to keep the peace, to keep others happy at all costs we end up negating our own needs. This is particularly important to remember to avoid being gaslighted (see last article), undermined and negated by others. When we put others first all the time we start to establish relationships whereby others feel free to use us as a doormat to wipe their shoes on and before long that may end up being all we are to them. By such behaviour we can end up being taken for granted with no respect shown toward us as people or for our own needs.

This doesn't mean we have to be callous, selfish or not be supportive of those we want to help though. It simply means we need to learn the importance of setting our own boundaries (also outlined in an earlier post) and of how to be assertive enough to ensure those boundaries are maintained. It means we need to be honest with ourselves about where our limits lie. Knowing when and where to cut your losses and when to stick by people when they're hurting you or when to tell someone you can't help are all incredibly important to our well-being.

An example of a difficult choice

Since I started to practice putting myself first I have had to make many difficult decisions about who and when to support others. Hardest of all to me was learning to say 'No, sorry I can't help'. Whenever I have done so the other person has to manage and so far at least, they have coped without me. They do so because just like I have had to do in times of trouble, they have found the means by which to survive. They have chosen to do so. Not really surprising as the alternative is so unattractive. It has seldom been a case that I have had to pull away permanently.

It was an extremely bitter pill to swallow to have to recognise my own limits in this way. However, it doesn't mean I stopped caring about those people or that my heart didn't and doesn't still go out to them. I know though that I made the right choice for me in pulling away for the sake of my own well-being at those times.

If I hadn't been that honest with myself I would probably have ended up getting very ill and making matters worse for them as well as myself simply through not knowing how to be of help and not having the energy or commitment to do so. In some cases I have since learned how to be of support for them, and have gone back to them to help but only once I looked after myself first.

Taking time out for yourself isn't always down to having troubles. Everyone has dreams and aspirations; we all have a right to chase them and make time for them. By fulfilling our own needs we become stronger and more able to be of support to others.

These things highlight how vital it is to recognise that you can never be the centre of anyone else's universe. You can only be the centre of your own and do what feels right for you in it at any given point. Yes, it can seem that you are selfish at times, but you may need to be and not just for you but for others too.

Empowerment
There is a danger in being too supportive as doing so can lead to others becoming too dependent on you instead of them learning to cope for themselves. Personally I have developed a passion about helping to empower people which is far better for them and for ourselves. Empowerment puts those you are supporting in control of their own lives. It involves giving them the tools to do so and gives them the freedom of making their own decisions. It's a million miles away from spoon-feeding, advice or 'doing for others'. It enables us to enjoy the same freedoms on our own journey of development instead of leading to feelings of being burdened, obliged to help or of being tied down. Provide farmland with access to water and the farmer can do the rest himself.

You might be disappointed if someone says "no" to giving you a lift to collect a bit of shopping from town, but we need to recognise that the request might come at an awkward time and that constantly saying "yes" does not encourage someone to find a way of making their own way there. They too have to walk away at times, so why turn it into an ordeal to say no? At all times we have to set our boundaries on what we can handle and we should learn to accept that this is the case for others too.

We all have a multitude of different relationships in our lives; family, close friends, acquaintances, colleagues and professional relationships. Each person we know or meet has the potential of being a member of not just one but several of these categories as our relationships develop. A close friend one day may end up being relegated to the level of a mere acquaintance or a professional relationship may blossom into a close friendship or end up marrying you! Not being equipped with a crystal ball, none of us can be certain of anything and in truth nothing is written in stone unless we ourselves carve it there.

For each instance of universes colliding and needs clashing, there is the potential for an equal number of instances of them coinciding and becoming symbiotic for there are millions of people in the world, some of whom will be a source of support for who we are even if others cannot or will not be.

Timing and talking
Getting a balance on helping others and looking after yourself is always going to be an ongoing challenge due to timing. Relationships will always undergo good and bad phases as life continually sets challenges to overcome and I believe we should not expect to be on the same wavelength with anyone during all these phases. It is frequently a question of timing as to whether we receive or can provide assistance.

Anger over people not being there for us in a time of need often escalates. It can lead to feelings of betrayal, rejection and isolation to add to the frustration when people don't respond or don't seem interested in our individual universe. It can hurt and cause damage. Sometimes though, lack of support can be down to us not stating we are in need of it; at others it might be because we have gone to the other extreme of swamping people by offloading our troubles too much when others have difficulties of their own or, they might not know how to help because we don't let them or accept what they can offer.

Support can come in many forms - a friend you might think would be best to turn to for emotional support might not be in a place to offer it, but they might help ease things with some practical aid instead. People can surprise you so that the emotional support you seek could come from someone you didn't expect could provide it.

There are days when I wish we could all do a check-in to see who needs what and from there devise a volunteer list of supporters and 'support services' on offer so we can work as a team to trouble-shoot our way through difficulties. None of us has the monopoly on providing support, but it doesn't mean we can't offer it in some way - even directing people to other sources of help can be invaluable. We are not bad people for acknowledging our limitations; we are wise to do so because we are less likely to cause further damage to others or ourselves when we accept our limits.

Remember that some problems do require professional help and not just on an emotional level. You could for example, end up perpetuating financial problems by trying to sort them for others or even for yourself. Constantly paying someone else's bills does not help them to learn to manage their own money. When we try to go into 'rescuing others mode' we are feeding a need of our own, that of needing to be needed. The trouble with that is it's not properly addressing the feelings of loneliness that are frequently at the root of those needs. Far better to learn to be appreciated for who you are than end up constantly being 'used' by others and taken for granted.

Rescuers and 'people-pleasers' can all too easily be stopping others develop their own strengths. We don't learn to walk by constantly seeking a parent to carry us.

Just as there is a danger of giving too much of ourselves to others, so too is there a danger of being too dismissive when we are progressing with our lives. Be honest, haven't there been times when you've been irritated, upset or annoyed by others not understanding your need to move forward?

An Exercise

Imagine that at long last all your dreams and aspirations are at the brink of coming true; you're excited, elated and happy. Imagine that something comes along to throw a spanner in the works to drag you back and make it all seem out of reach because another person needs your support. Now imagine you at your worst and lowest. How would you want to be told that someone can't help you because they need to make their dream happen?

Perhaps the pledge we should all make is "I will always strive to do my best to care and show support wherever I can when I can in the ways that I can, but recognise that I am not perfect. I accept I will make mistakes and might hurt others even though I will never want or intend to because I own I have limitations and will therefore have to put my needs first sometimes."

It is never easy to strike the balance between our needs and the needs of others, but learning to respect and accept that everyone else is the centre of their own universe does help. Respecting the needs of others can open doors to them respecting yours.

Avoiding total selfishness
It is not uncommon for victims of bullying and abuse to turn into selfish people themselves later on in life. It can take just one significant influential relationship or event in your life to change your perspective on absolutely everything and every one. Make sure the influences upon you are positive ones i.e. ones that empower you but that don't encourage total selfishness or a lack of consideration and respect toward others.

Equally it is not uncommon for people adept in caring for others to seemingly stop caring about anyone at all because they suddenly feel or come to realise that their own needs are not being met. They can feel uncared for and unresponded to in this regard. I firmly believe that bullies and selfish people are troubled people in their own right. They can be victims in disguise and their behaviour can stem from a need to prevent being badly hurt again. Although this helps a little to understand them, it is of no help to their victims. Ever heard the phrase 'attack is the best form of defence'? Selfishness is often just the same. Avid and aggressive abusers are frankly beyond all my powers of understanding, so there I have to draw line on help I am prepared to offer and have to hope that professionals can make some difference if only by keeping them away from potential victims.

Whether verbal or physical, mild or intense, in all cases such things can be complex to unravel to put straight. In such circumstances it is best to seek counselling or psychotherapy of some kind whether you feel yourself becoming selfish/uncaring or are the victim of any form of abuse from others. It is nothing new to the professionals. A counsellor once told me there are only two types of client - victims and bullies. Certainly it is one interpretation of how to look at things, albeit simplistic.

The trick to me seems to be to avoid extremes and to seek a balance. If you are not used to the middle ground of balance you may need help to find it, but it's worthwhile seeking the help to achieve that balance because what's at stake is your well-being, your self-esteem, respect and interest from others, rewarding relationships and ultimately happiness within yourself and an enduring liking of who you are. Well worth the self investment of a bit of counselling I found.

We can all be centres of just our own universe, but unless we are connected to other people's we are unlikely to achieve or enjoy sustained and deep inner peace and happiness.

Seasons of Goodwill

It seems every culture has a season of goodwill. Shouldn't we be asking why every season isn't overflowing with goodwill? Is it that we also need seasons to not care about others too?

It got me thinking about what prompts goodwill, selflessness and support of any kind. Here's a few ideas of what might be our motivation.

1. Obligation
2. Winning friendships
3. For gratitude
4. To impress others
5. To earn entry/rewards in the next world
6. Out of love and compassion for others
7. Out of wanting to increase our self-esteem
8. Because others deserve more support than us
9. To salve our own conscience
10. To 'out do' another
11. For popularity

I can honestly say all the above reasons have been my motivation at some time or another except for the last two. Now that I'm in my 40s though I find I have become more cautious and more selective, not least because I've learnt to identify those in genuine need a bit better and I've made the conscious decision to reserve my efforts for them, but only when I myself am up to it. I'm no use to anyone if I am burnt out.

I've also learnt that being a 'people pleaser' is a form of self-neglect, as to please others to ingratiate ourselves with them or for popularity involves negating our own needs, sympathies, beliefs, opinions, thoughts and feelings. It becomes an acting role with the heart, soul and truth of the person who is the performer steadily getting diminished and crushed. It is not uncommon for selflessness to manifest itself in those who have little or no self-esteem or self-worth.

The root of such behaviour can be down to all manner of distressing events and experiences including neglect, smothering, manipulation, conditioning, rape among many forms of emotional and physical abuse. Feeling you are less deserving; that your thoughts, feelings and needs are less important than another is quite simply, wrong. We are all of equal value to anyone and everyone else. We are never more deserving of attention than anyone else, merely equally deserving. Who is it who can say they have had the worst of life? There are always more horrors that we have not encountered but that someone else has, but they won't have experienced our suffering. In a nutshell, pain is pain. It's not a competition.

The truth is harsh. Life isn't fair. When it comes to life's ordeals and traumas the question perhaps ought to be "why not me?" instead of "why me?" Unpleasant things do happen, but the trick is not to let them have the effect of devaluing our sense of worth and belief in ourselves or to think it gives us a license to railroad other others as if they don't matter.

This week I came across a person who expressed their pain in a very curious way. They had been extremely generous and supportive of another, but they had also become bitter and angry about it too and suddenly and savagely turned on the person they had been so supportive of.

If it is likely that we will end up resenting giving emotional, practical or emotional support I would argue it is best not to offer the support in the first place. I would suggest that it is best not to promise things that we may come to regret doing, or things that may cause us harm or damage in any way. To give false hope to another, in my view, is one of the cruellest forms of emotional torture (even when unintentional) hence why I have tried to avoid promising anything at all. To ensure this I have adapted how I offer support by using phrases such as 'if I can' and 'I'll try but I don't promise' thus making it clear to that person where they stand.

Dependency
Reliance and dependency upon others at times of need is all too tempting but I feel it's best avoided if possible for fear of disappointment. Instead, I've tried to only ask and only accept help for the essentials I need at any given time, be it emotional, practical or financial support.

My closest relationships are with those I am allowed to be supportive of in return. I don't feel an obligation to those people, but a gratitude and a desire to be there for them as they have been for me out of love. Sometimes I've been supportive first, sometimes not.

What sets them apart from the rest of my acquaintances is the respect they've shown me at all times. Of most value has been the suggestions and advice on how to cope or resolve a difficulty.

I wish I could remember where I heard this quote from but the fact is the words stood out so much I have forgotten the source. "Remember that when you give to others, you are also taking something away." That 'something' I think is pride and when we are desperate for help we often forget how easy it is to view it as a luxury that we simply can no longer afford. A homeless person begging for money for food has to give it up just to ask for support.

I wonder now if dependency beyond childhood is not a form of enslavement. I prefer, and advocate, empowerment by giving people the means by which they can shape their own future. In my opinion advice is of equal value to financial or practical support for this reason. Indeed I think it always ought to go hand in hand.

The Need for a Break
None of us are superhuman or gods. People who are renowned for their 'selflessness' are no exceptions; who's to say they didn't go through an internal personal hell before they became strong enough and balanced enough to do their good works. They acquire an absolute inner peace before they devote their lives to others.

For the rest of us we simply cannot give, give, give and if we do so without first addressing our own needs we are likely to be causing ourselves harm. When that happens are we really the best people to be supportive of others? If we haven't learnt how to address and overcome our own hurts and harms, are we really the best people to advice and support others?

Seasons of goodwill are there to celebrate the fact that there is goodwill. I think it is wrong to expect it of anyone 24/7. We all need time to recharge our batteries, to learn from our own troubles before giving to others and to take a step back from the plight of others to see the situation more clearly too. It doesn't mean though that goodwill is not there all the time. Would it could always be very apparent to one and all but the answer to that lies in everyone doing their bit toward that goal, when they can. That way we can all share the weight and worry instead of it becoming an all consuming activity of a few. Teamwork and taking turns I think is the route toward everyone getting help when they need it.

Happy New Year everyone!