A question of trust

You know the phrase, "you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs" - it's similar when it comes to trust. At some point, if we want to benefit from rewarding relationships we have to take the plunge and risk sharing something of ourselves that is personal - we have to trust. This can be an extremely difficult thing to do if you have ever been mentally ill, harder still if you have been hurt or abused.

As with many things we learn whether or not to trust others in our early development as children, and whether or not we learn at all depends on our own view of our own safety. We establish a sense of real safety the first time when we confided in someone over something that is emotionally important to us. As children most of us are told to be honest when we've made a mistake, broken something or done something naughty; it is often our initial foray into trusting another to do so and what happens next begins to shape our future - the response to that confession. Good parenting will acknowledge that you have owned up, bad parenting will not.

Whenever our best efforts go unacknowledged it can cause damage to our mental well-being. If we also then find ourselves punished for being honest, taken advantage of for being considerate, kind or generous or rejected for displaying affection that damage could reach very serious levels. Emotional abuse can be as devastating as physical abuse, much depends on what else we may have in our armoury to help us cope or recover. When we no longer wish to take the risk of trusting others at all we can end up making do with a socially deprived existence which is not the natural or healthy life of any human being. 

As a species we are a social animal, we need to engage with others and share our experiences for us to be happy within ourselves. As individuals though, we can all too easily count up all the bad experiences and not note at all any good ones when we encounter others. We are all equally vulnerable to the same level of risk when it comes to trust, but we must always strive to remember that one relationship that has been abusive doesn't mean that all will be.

It is well worth noting that it is seldom the case that in an emotional dispute or disagreement one side is entirely right and the other entirely to blame. Such instances are very rare and are at the extremes of abuse and the only option in those circumstances is to leave that relationship and go and seek a better one. It sounds simple but, for victims of serious levels of abuse it most certainly isn't. For them trust is a huge issue and it is rare for them ever to be able to recover without intensive levels of help from professionals.

What we can do for ourselves

Most people seek intimacy of some kind from someone else, but we can help ourselves by ensuring that we protect ourselves from danger by sharing who we are bit by bit. Even within families we can never know everything there is to know about each other, as to do so would require us to follow someone around 24/7 and quiz them endlessly about every thought, feeling and reaction they had. It's not something any of us would like. 

What we share by way of experiences with siblings is never the same as what we share with parents, friends, partners, work colleagues, acquaintances or complete strangers. Everyone in our lives starts as a stranger at some point, even as babies we are busy working out who and what these strange people are that go with the label of parent. Just as we learn about our family gradually, so too should we do the same when we encounter new people in our lives.

Problems can arise though when we have been isolated or alone for any length of time for whatever reason as we can either end up too nervous and shy to communicate or the reverse and download everything that's in our heads. I've done both at different periods of my life. The trick is to not only share who we are but take time to learn who the other person is. If you are not interested in what someone else finds important, why would they be interested in what you find important? However, we should never go about prising information out of people or cut to the chase. Instead we can help ourselves by taking smaller steps.

Easy does it

Learning about others is rather like peeling away the layers of an onion, in the process getting closer and closer to the centre. Likewise we should hold back on what we reveal about ourselves until we are absolutely sure about moving on to share the next layer of who we are. At any point we can stop sharing any more if ever we feel nervous. At any point we should also have an escape plan should things become threatening. 

When I was in my late teens I would test new people out by sharing my poetry with others - those that ran a mile I dismissed, while those that stuck around were put on my potential friends list. While there is nothing wrong with sharing an interest you have with others, it was a daunting one to be on the receiving end of as my poetry revealed too much too soon and I swamped people with it. Looking back now I'm surprised anyone stuck around!.

Far better to start with something simpler and less meaningful such as what a person likes to eat, watch on TV or what music they like. In other words something a little more neutral. Later on you can start sharing a particular favourite and when it feels right explain why that's a favourite - there might be a personal memory attached but if so, try sharing a happy memory before any sad ones as that way you will not only be keeping yourself save, but also be coming across as a person who is capable of being happy and therefore not a vulnerable person others can take advantage of.

With the passage of time I have toned down how I approach people, but given my own childhood was fairly intense I still haven't mastered it. These days I rarely share even a single poem, but I do share my more positive experiences first unless I have reason to share troubles e.g. some problem that prevents me getting to work. It takes practise but I feel I've made good progress. Here are a few rules of mine that have helped help me gauge who to trust and who to be wary of.

I never trust anyone who cannot laugh as freely about themselves as they would others. Nor do I trust anyone who is keen to be critical of others or who gossips a lot. People may appear to be considerate but can be devious and manipulative, so I watch their behaviour more than take their words as gospel. Nor do I trust those who continually sit in judgement of others, or who preach as if they are the world's authority on who anyone else is. I also ask myself things like "do they listen and hear everyone else? Are they able to put themselves in someone else's shoes and talk about what that person might be feeling if asked? Do they only talk about themselves and if so why" - it could be because no one has ever listened to them, or it could be because no one else matters to them. "Are they able to forgive and forget genuine mistakes made by others?"

There is no doubt about it, relationships of any kind can be complicated, but the more at ease we are with ourselves the easier it becomes to form worthwhile relationships with others. We may never want to enter into an argument, but sometimes we might need one to clear the air. In a good relationship such things should be possible without it ever seeming like the end of the world as it should hurt both parties to be arguing. Misunderstandings and differences need to be resolved quickly to prevent emotions escalating out of proportion and resentment or bitterness setting in. Likewise being able to be silent without it feeling uncomfortable is only possible if there is a strong bond between two people.

That special one in your life

The strongest bond most of us strive for is a partner. Someone once told me that "your partner is the one whose faults you can accept." It doesn't mean though that their quirky habits won't annoy and irritate you, it merely means that on balance the things you like about them outnumber the things you don't. Nor does it mean you should ever negate yourself, your worth, your friends, interests or family for them to end up as their slave. 

When it comes to the physical intimacy you have with a partner the same step by step process over getting to know them is a wise safeguard and that can be tricky when your hormones are aroused and telling you to just go for it. A hand being held, a caress and a kiss are all elements of foreplay and there is no law that states you have to even go that far in the course of a year. Go at your pace, and if your partner gets annoyed - well maybe they shouldn't be your partner then. Only embark on intercourse when you are both ready.

Sexual intercourse is another form of communication and as such it can be extremely varied. You need to agree about likes and dislikes early on and it is wise to work out during petting sessions how to help each other when one or other of you is not in the mood. Sexual abuse is not something either party should be aiming for or be on the receiving end of and talking about preferences early on should help prevent any misunderstandings. 

It is not a woman's role to just lie there and let a man do with her what he wants, nor is anyone obliged to submit to sex on demand at any point. If you find your partner is not interested in sex, it may be for a myriad of reasons and only having a calm and sensible discussion will help resolve it.

I have met people who claim that they have sex 3-4 times a day, and others who say they have sex once a month with their partners. Don't try to emulate what others do, only do what is right for you. Sex can be as wonderful or as dull as you and your partner wish to make it, but again it never need be the only important aspect of you life.

Finally, whenever any relationship doesn't work out, try to think this... it's clearing the way for a better relationship that will work. By learning what we don't want or like, we also learn what we do. It's worth a certain amount of risk to keep trying albeit with due caution. Above all never get heavily involved with anyone who does not respect or acknowledge you and your worth. Stay safe.

Boundary Battles

It's easy isn't it setting personal boundaries for how others react and treat you? No?

No. It is one of the hardest things to learn to do, hard enough when it's a work setting; all the more difficult when you know you need to set boundaries with people you know, love and care for.

Let’s pause to think what life would be like without them. Life would be an absolute nightmare if we had no laws and so it is with personal boundaries. Too often those of us with mental health histories allow ourselves to be rail-roaded over due to our appalling low levels of confidence and self-esteem. We often find ourselves arriving there because we can all too easily end up rejecting who we are for becoming ill. Such is the extent of the prejudice and stigma that even we are affected by it. Some even negate themselves completely.

The proof of this comes in the shocking statistics of the suicide rate actually going up when people come to realize they are ill. It is why patients, when sectioned for the first time, are often put on a 'suicide watch'. Exactly at that moment when we wake up to the fact that we are not well, we can end up wanting to give up on life itself because of the nature of the illness and all that it implies in mainstream society. The battle to restore and reclaim trust, respect and confidence from others begins and for some it sadly becomes too much of a battle for them to want to fight.

I remember experiencing that feeling myself when I was sectioned - it was the worst day of my life to wake up realizing both how ill I was and all that I'd done. I cringed with embarrassment to think of how I'd behaved and treated others who had tried to help and that feeling was so intense that I never wanted anyone who knew me to see me again. I felt it would be better for them if I ceased to exist because of the burden I felt I had become.

The answer is to always remember that we have had better days, and are capable of them and therefore can get back to them. We also have to remember that not everyone is uncaring or inconsiderate - many people want to, and actively try to, be supportive. We should not deny them the choice to do so if they truly have out well-being at heart. We need that depth of love and compassion as much as anyone else.

It's a battle that involves standing up to the prejudice, assumptions and stigma from others who act according to their ignorance frankly and in my view are riddled with issues of their own. Even our nearest and dearest friends and relatives can be prone to this. It is only through continuing to communicate that we can overcome these difficulties.

We have a right to express ourselves; our thoughts, feelings needs and wants. What no one has a right to do is dictate or impose those things on others. If we want others to respect our limits, so we must respect other people's.

Recently I read an article about how to find God by not living for ourselves, but instead living for others. I will never advocate absolute selfishness, but nor do I advocate absolute selflessness. I question the mindset of people who do so. To give your life entirely to others by definition means negating your own needs. It can lead to people taking advantage of you emotionally and financially and is dangerous because it suggests that others are of more worth, more value and are more important than you. Rubbish. We are all equals in these things.

How to set boundaries
Like deciding upon what to build and how high a fence or wall it should be to protect our property, or deciding on whether or not we should have net curtains, blinds and shutters for privacy on our windows, so we need to decide what boundaries we want in our lives for our emotional well-being.

Among the range of people who visit me at home, there are some who are allowed in some rooms but not others; some are allowed free run of my home as they are particularly close to me. There are some people who I know personally who know I write this blog, and others who don't. I have set the boundaries and I manage them. I have control, and if that trust is seriously abused then people just get blown out of my life.

It's the same with behaviour and how we wish to be addressed. It may be handy but it would be very long-winded and extremely odd to issue a written set of terms and conditions for everyone we meet, but fortunately it is largely unnecessary. Relationships tend to evolve and only when something we don't like occurs do we need to inform people of it. People who are close to me initially weren't because it takes time for that level of trust to develop. My door is always open to more people in effect passing my personal tests to become close friends but if they don't pass they are still friends on a less intimate level. I think it's good to have a range of relationships as that way I increase my chance of all my needs being met.

We cannot reasonably hold something against another person if we don't tell them what our beliefs, thoughts and feelings are, so if there is a misunderstanding or dispute ask yourself if you've given that person a fair chance to understand you. You may decide you don't want them to which is fine, but it could be unfair then to judge them harshly.

Friends are now those who support me but also people who allow me to be supportive of them as I know I need to feel needed to ensure that I retain a sense of worth. They are people who I can have an argument with, or disagree with without it feeling like it's the end of the world. They are people I can turn around and say 'I'm really sorry but I need my own space right now.' without fear of them disappearing forever, and they can and do the same with me.

Time Out
I recently had to do just that because of the problems a couple of my friends were having were triggering bad memories for me. I was also becoming obsessed with their difficulties and ignoring important issues of my own that I needed to address. We cannot be of any real help to anyone while we are wading through problems ourselves. What we can do though is root for them in the hope that they will be doing the same for us.

It is ludicrous to expect or assume that anyone will always be on the same wavelength as us. Just as all manner of things can be affecting us at any given moment, so it is for others and sometimes that can lead to tensions getting out of perspective. I've learnt through counselling that we can only ever be truly aware of ourselves.

So, sometimes it is better to take a break and note down issues and wait until a loved one is in a better place themselves to be able to hear things, and to wait until we are in a better place too to speak them.

Compromise and Negotiation
I believe a real compromise should involve both parties giving up on something that they want. This does not mean that the compromise has to be written in stone. At a later date both parties will often find that what we want today changes. I think of things being on hold rather than given up on for this reason. Everything is subject to review and re-negotiation over time.


Assertiveness
I have a feeling that assertiveness is a topic I will be returning to at some point but these are the basic principles that have helped me enormously. Most of all setting boundaries means asserting our needs. There are some instances whereby I will never compromise and at such times I need to put my foot down and plainly state 'No'. For example I dislike being asked to lie for others as I believe that honesty really is the best policy. So I try to encourage people to think how to phrase things better so that they don't lie. Being economical with the truth may be necessary out of consideration and fairness for all the people involved in a situation.

Assertiveness is not about letting rip and being angry. It is about stating your boundaries succinctly and with the utmost clarity. It is about being firm but fair. It should never be seen as an opportunity to be critical of others, to launch into a personal attack of their personality or character. If we do that, it will most likely lead to our receiving the same in return or potentially causing harm and damage to others and I would rather not have that on my conscience. It's tantamount to bullying. It is not about imposing your needs as being more important than anyone else’s, that too is a form of bullying.

Some of the most effective phrases I've used are "I'm sorry I don't agree with that.", "No, I find that upsetting." and "I think that's insensitive." What I don't do is add the word "because". Over the years I've discovered that by avoiding using that word I'm less likely to be put in a position of justifying myself as if I'm in the wrong for holding a different opinion. Different doesn't mean better or worse, it just means not the same. Only when asked do I explain why I hold my view, as being asked is a sign of respect and interest being shown to me. It offers dialogue at that point.

Frustration
A brilliant manager once told me that they kept socialising with their staff to a minimum for two reasons. The first was that it helped them to maintain their authoritative role; the second was so that the staff had the opportunity to moan about them. What she was saying was that she recognised that in her role she was obliged at times to tell people to do things they often didn't like to hear and that as a consequence staff needed to get their upset out of their systems by going off and moaning. Due to the way she handled things and her careful phrasing she is highly respected even when she had to announce redundancies.

In my personal relationships I now do the same. I will rant and call people who annoy me all the names under the sun away from them. I share those feelings only with those who are not involved in the situation that I trust to keep it to themselves. I find that once I have got my feelings out of my system I am able to think more clearly, see the other person's side of things and deal with whoever has upset me more respectfully. I also benefit from getting an objective view of the situation that way and often get advice and suggestions on how to communicate better.

If all else fails we always have the option of walking away. Relationships are complicated because we can never know everything about everyone and the more people who are involved the more complicated it gets. I hope that this has a least triggered some ideas on how to protect yourself in all of them. The rewards come when you find people do see that even the mentally ill can be intelligent and of value, for the truth is, we are.