Empowerment through assertiveness

Years ago, three months after leaving a Mental Health hospital for what I hope is the last time, I found myself working for a council. I shan't name the council for their ways may have changed - for the better by now. Most of my working time was spent in the tearoom chatting but I got bored with that so I signed up for a course and told my employer I needed every Wednesday off to travel to London to attend. I was doing menial shift work so I couldn't see how it could be a problem, indeed I thought I was doing them a favour for paying for training for myself thereby making myself more useful to them at my expense and saving them money. They were not pleased but went along with it.

Meanwhile the work itself continued in the same way... chatting in the tearoom. Stimulated by my course I set about finding more things to do round the building until one day I had run out of ideas and spent the entire shift in the tearoom chatting with my colleagues. I'd had enough, so the following day I phoned up and said I wouldn't be in. I said I wasn't ill, and they were not to count my day of working from home as holiday either, but that I would be in the following day and expected to be given loads to do.

The manager I phoned understandably went into a rage, but not with me. When I returned to work my own line manager and the rest of the team didn't like me much and from that point forward I was blamed for every moan and grumble from our department until I left 6 months later. I went on to work in London, much to everyone's surprise because they thought having a mental health history there was no way I could possibly progress and indeed shouldn't. I worked hard and eventually became a manager myself.

Lessons learnt
Since that time I have worked for other councils and all have been hard working and diligent with regard to ensuring that the British tax payer gets their money's worth from each and every worker. I have also come across many other places where a lot of time is lost in idle chatter though too. To me lethargy is a breeding ground for misery and depression. When people are not inactive, negative thoughts, moans, grumbles and criticism take hold until all the whole of life, despite it's wealth of positive opportunities, becomes something to be cynical and sceptical about. Paranoia can set in and ultimately depression does.

This doesn't mean you have to or should work every minute of every day. It merely means that some people need to avoid too much stimulus to be well, while others like myself need lots, but to be well, we each need something to be of interest to us. We each need to actively seek and invest in things we find rewarding and pleasurable and so long as those pleasures and interests harm no one else then there's a chance we can all be happy whatever we choose to do with our lives. Indeed, among some of the most inspiring people I have met have been factory workers who chat all day while working, save their pennies up and then spend it on their kids and amazing holidays.

I do NOT advocate doing the same thing as I did if you are unhappy at work which may surprise you. Imagine if everyone told their employer they were not available for their work because they'd signed up to training course, or because they were bored - the result would be chaos. I consider myself lucky to have got away with it and I am sure I did so because my employer was fearful of the repercussions that would have arisen had they not been seen to be supportive of someone with a mental health history. I was lucky that the manager I spoke to understood mental health issues as his wife was a sufferer too.

It could be argued that I was empowering myself by being assertive of my needs and in some respects it's true, but... assertiveness should never be aggressive and my manner at the time without a doubt was forceful in that I was non-negotiable - therefore I was being aggressively assertive. A few counselling sessions later I discovered why.

Aggression is not assertiveness
In common with many who have been bullied, (I was at school among other places) learning to stand up for oneself does not come easy. It is a long and hard battle to find the confidence and self-belief to simply find one's own thoughts, let alone one's own voice. Once found I fell into the trap of becoming too self-centred, too selfish and defiant of anyone who stood in my way. My stance was that I was never going to allow anyone to bully me again.

What I was not doing was listening to or considering anyone else. Had I done so I might have opted for a different way of communicating my needs i.e. a less confrontational way and still achieved the same result but with the added benefit of making friends, being respected and supported by my colleagues and managers.

People often mistake aggression for assertiveness but the two are entirely different. I now regard anyone who describes themselves as strident, feisty, sassy or determined with a considerable amount of caution as often they behave this way with little or no regard for what other people's needs (not wants) are.

Needs are always more important than wants. They are the basic foundation stones to our well being, the essentials of life. They include (harking back to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs - see previous blogpost) warmth, shelter, food and companionship; they include acknowledgement for who we are, what we think, say, do and feel. When we are not in receipt of such we feel hurt and often rejected and negated. The solution is simple... walk away from such people and find others willing and happy to value you.

Conflict of needs
I was recently told that I was selfish by someone who felt that I had the view that my thoughts and feelings were more important than theirs. They are - to me. But only to me. I am the centre of my universe but not theirs. They wanted to be acknowledged more and to have more say and that's fine. However, they seemed to think I was responsible for stopping them when I am not, they are. They have missed entirely that I enjoy their company and find their conversation so stimulating that I want to respond to virtually every utterance they make. I was accused to talking too much and told to shut-up. Not heard from them since so now we are both feeling hurt.

It's taken me over 40 years to find my own voice and to learn how to use it so I'm not about to give that up. With luck they will learn to do the same, I hope not aggressively but assertively which always means bearing in mind other people's needs and what we know of someone's personal history. We can never know everything about another person without being them, but we can strive to try to avoid what we know to be things that upset others until we and they are ready to talk about them and address those issues head on. We can but try and I believe that is better for all than not doing so.

We cannot resolve anything without communication. We cannot overcome difficulties without confronting them and learning what, how or why things went wrong. And we cannot cure ourselves without investing in the support of others be they family, friends, colleagues or professional help. We each need to believe in ourselves so much to let nothing divert us from our goal of well being. But, we can only address hurts when the time is right for us to do so. I hope the time will be right soon for my dear friend of over 10 years as I would like to see an end to his suffering and for him to embrace and enjoy life to the full as indeed I would wish for all.

Empowerment is not competitive
I often come across competitive people. I believe it is one of the sicknesses of world to engage in one-up-manship to quite such an extreme degree. That said it is perfectly normal and healthy to want to be better or the best at something for it gives us an added sense of self worth. From scoring well at test to winning at sport or being successful at work to merit a bonus or promotion - it helps us feel of value to achieve.

All well and good but... it isn't good when competitiveness leads to negating other people's potential. To empower others is to encourage others to reach that potential, not to keep that person down at heel disabling them to achieve their own ambitions and goals in life. Empowerment is all about equipping people to reach their goals, not spoon-feed them by doing things for them, but providing them with the knowledge, skills and tools to do these things for themselves. I have no desire to become a business or world leader, but respect and admire those whose talents lend themselves to such so long as they are also advocates of empowering others to do what they have an aptitude for.

The fear surrounding empowering others seems to stem from a phobia of others ending up being more talented or more successful which is not helpful to your ego and self esteem if you want to be the best at something. Realistically though no two people do anything in the same way, or in the same style so while some may favour another's efforts others will still favour yours. Even creative people get competitive, scathing, sneering and critical to the point of character assassination though my impression is not as much as others. Sports of course is designed to be competitive and is a good outlet to release tension, but no one is on top form all the time so the trick is to be gracious in defeat. The Olympics is upon us here in the UK and I sincerely hope all who win are those who will also help others to succeed thereafter. Surely there is no greater reward in life than to empower another to become happy so long as your own needs and happiness are not sacrificed in the process. People pleasing is not the way to go (covered in a previous blogpost on here).

Examples of bad practice
I'll finish with one final example from years ago of aggression and sadly it is a worrying one. While under CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) care I was asked as a 'service user' if I would like to go on a training course so that I could represent service users on interval panels for professionals in mental health care. I said yes.

On the course a mental health professional loudly and repeatedly 'asserted' his view that service users should not be on such interval panels to judge their skills. Throughout the whole course he kept popping out to check his phone as he was expecting to hear the results of a recent interview which would have been a promotion for him. His stance was very much that anyone who has been mentally ill is not capable of being sentient enough to be able to judge if a person is suitable to deal with anyone who is vulnerable or ill. My experience of working with the mentally ill is that they are never devoid of all powers of reasoning.

I can only hope that the other mental health professionals on that course did what they said they would and reported his appalling attitude to his line manager. I rather hope he didn't get the job. I rather hope he got sacked or that he got copious amounts of counselling to correct his attitude. After all, mental illness does not discriminate and there are many medical professionals who suffer from it as well and business leaders and even some world leaders... as the records of history so record. Fortunately in the UK at least such instances among the mental health professionals seem to be on the decrease... one day I hope there will be none to record.

My final example of non-empowerment comes from some Welfare to Work services who take the stance that if you have been a client with them you can never be considered to be an Employment Adviser. That's like saying you cannot enter the medial profession if you have ever had to see a doctor, or you cannot become a teacher if you have ever been a student. As I posted in my last article... it's not really surprising that mental illness is so rife when such is the attitude of those in power. There are times when I feel the real lunatics are the ones running a global asylum.

Best not to get too angry about it or aggressive. Better by far to assert your views with a degree of empathy for their being so ill as to not even notice the flaws in their arguments and above all... help them see sense by quoting their own nonsense back at them. For you see, some of them don't even listen to themselves. Then I recommend going off and treating yourself to some company you enjoy doing something of mutual interest. That's my coping strategy and it seems to be working quite well... time for a little more practice though as it's still a work in progress.

If you want others to be interested in you, be interested in yourself and them. Always, always, always strive to be kind to all, if you want others to be kind to you.  

Boundary Battles

It's easy isn't it setting personal boundaries for how others react and treat you? No?

No. It is one of the hardest things to learn to do, hard enough when it's a work setting; all the more difficult when you know you need to set boundaries with people you know, love and care for.

Let’s pause to think what life would be like without them. Life would be an absolute nightmare if we had no laws and so it is with personal boundaries. Too often those of us with mental health histories allow ourselves to be rail-roaded over due to our appalling low levels of confidence and self-esteem. We often find ourselves arriving there because we can all too easily end up rejecting who we are for becoming ill. Such is the extent of the prejudice and stigma that even we are affected by it. Some even negate themselves completely.

The proof of this comes in the shocking statistics of the suicide rate actually going up when people come to realize they are ill. It is why patients, when sectioned for the first time, are often put on a 'suicide watch'. Exactly at that moment when we wake up to the fact that we are not well, we can end up wanting to give up on life itself because of the nature of the illness and all that it implies in mainstream society. The battle to restore and reclaim trust, respect and confidence from others begins and for some it sadly becomes too much of a battle for them to want to fight.

I remember experiencing that feeling myself when I was sectioned - it was the worst day of my life to wake up realizing both how ill I was and all that I'd done. I cringed with embarrassment to think of how I'd behaved and treated others who had tried to help and that feeling was so intense that I never wanted anyone who knew me to see me again. I felt it would be better for them if I ceased to exist because of the burden I felt I had become.

The answer is to always remember that we have had better days, and are capable of them and therefore can get back to them. We also have to remember that not everyone is uncaring or inconsiderate - many people want to, and actively try to, be supportive. We should not deny them the choice to do so if they truly have out well-being at heart. We need that depth of love and compassion as much as anyone else.

It's a battle that involves standing up to the prejudice, assumptions and stigma from others who act according to their ignorance frankly and in my view are riddled with issues of their own. Even our nearest and dearest friends and relatives can be prone to this. It is only through continuing to communicate that we can overcome these difficulties.

We have a right to express ourselves; our thoughts, feelings needs and wants. What no one has a right to do is dictate or impose those things on others. If we want others to respect our limits, so we must respect other people's.

Recently I read an article about how to find God by not living for ourselves, but instead living for others. I will never advocate absolute selfishness, but nor do I advocate absolute selflessness. I question the mindset of people who do so. To give your life entirely to others by definition means negating your own needs. It can lead to people taking advantage of you emotionally and financially and is dangerous because it suggests that others are of more worth, more value and are more important than you. Rubbish. We are all equals in these things.

How to set boundaries
Like deciding upon what to build and how high a fence or wall it should be to protect our property, or deciding on whether or not we should have net curtains, blinds and shutters for privacy on our windows, so we need to decide what boundaries we want in our lives for our emotional well-being.

Among the range of people who visit me at home, there are some who are allowed in some rooms but not others; some are allowed free run of my home as they are particularly close to me. There are some people who I know personally who know I write this blog, and others who don't. I have set the boundaries and I manage them. I have control, and if that trust is seriously abused then people just get blown out of my life.

It's the same with behaviour and how we wish to be addressed. It may be handy but it would be very long-winded and extremely odd to issue a written set of terms and conditions for everyone we meet, but fortunately it is largely unnecessary. Relationships tend to evolve and only when something we don't like occurs do we need to inform people of it. People who are close to me initially weren't because it takes time for that level of trust to develop. My door is always open to more people in effect passing my personal tests to become close friends but if they don't pass they are still friends on a less intimate level. I think it's good to have a range of relationships as that way I increase my chance of all my needs being met.

We cannot reasonably hold something against another person if we don't tell them what our beliefs, thoughts and feelings are, so if there is a misunderstanding or dispute ask yourself if you've given that person a fair chance to understand you. You may decide you don't want them to which is fine, but it could be unfair then to judge them harshly.

Friends are now those who support me but also people who allow me to be supportive of them as I know I need to feel needed to ensure that I retain a sense of worth. They are people who I can have an argument with, or disagree with without it feeling like it's the end of the world. They are people I can turn around and say 'I'm really sorry but I need my own space right now.' without fear of them disappearing forever, and they can and do the same with me.

Time Out
I recently had to do just that because of the problems a couple of my friends were having were triggering bad memories for me. I was also becoming obsessed with their difficulties and ignoring important issues of my own that I needed to address. We cannot be of any real help to anyone while we are wading through problems ourselves. What we can do though is root for them in the hope that they will be doing the same for us.

It is ludicrous to expect or assume that anyone will always be on the same wavelength as us. Just as all manner of things can be affecting us at any given moment, so it is for others and sometimes that can lead to tensions getting out of perspective. I've learnt through counselling that we can only ever be truly aware of ourselves.

So, sometimes it is better to take a break and note down issues and wait until a loved one is in a better place themselves to be able to hear things, and to wait until we are in a better place too to speak them.

Compromise and Negotiation
I believe a real compromise should involve both parties giving up on something that they want. This does not mean that the compromise has to be written in stone. At a later date both parties will often find that what we want today changes. I think of things being on hold rather than given up on for this reason. Everything is subject to review and re-negotiation over time.


Assertiveness
I have a feeling that assertiveness is a topic I will be returning to at some point but these are the basic principles that have helped me enormously. Most of all setting boundaries means asserting our needs. There are some instances whereby I will never compromise and at such times I need to put my foot down and plainly state 'No'. For example I dislike being asked to lie for others as I believe that honesty really is the best policy. So I try to encourage people to think how to phrase things better so that they don't lie. Being economical with the truth may be necessary out of consideration and fairness for all the people involved in a situation.

Assertiveness is not about letting rip and being angry. It is about stating your boundaries succinctly and with the utmost clarity. It is about being firm but fair. It should never be seen as an opportunity to be critical of others, to launch into a personal attack of their personality or character. If we do that, it will most likely lead to our receiving the same in return or potentially causing harm and damage to others and I would rather not have that on my conscience. It's tantamount to bullying. It is not about imposing your needs as being more important than anyone else’s, that too is a form of bullying.

Some of the most effective phrases I've used are "I'm sorry I don't agree with that.", "No, I find that upsetting." and "I think that's insensitive." What I don't do is add the word "because". Over the years I've discovered that by avoiding using that word I'm less likely to be put in a position of justifying myself as if I'm in the wrong for holding a different opinion. Different doesn't mean better or worse, it just means not the same. Only when asked do I explain why I hold my view, as being asked is a sign of respect and interest being shown to me. It offers dialogue at that point.

Frustration
A brilliant manager once told me that they kept socialising with their staff to a minimum for two reasons. The first was that it helped them to maintain their authoritative role; the second was so that the staff had the opportunity to moan about them. What she was saying was that she recognised that in her role she was obliged at times to tell people to do things they often didn't like to hear and that as a consequence staff needed to get their upset out of their systems by going off and moaning. Due to the way she handled things and her careful phrasing she is highly respected even when she had to announce redundancies.

In my personal relationships I now do the same. I will rant and call people who annoy me all the names under the sun away from them. I share those feelings only with those who are not involved in the situation that I trust to keep it to themselves. I find that once I have got my feelings out of my system I am able to think more clearly, see the other person's side of things and deal with whoever has upset me more respectfully. I also benefit from getting an objective view of the situation that way and often get advice and suggestions on how to communicate better.

If all else fails we always have the option of walking away. Relationships are complicated because we can never know everything about everyone and the more people who are involved the more complicated it gets. I hope that this has a least triggered some ideas on how to protect yourself in all of them. The rewards come when you find people do see that even the mentally ill can be intelligent and of value, for the truth is, we are.