Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Survivor Guilt

Within 24 hour of my last posting I burst into a flood of tears because I felt such a traitor, because the people who have been with me through my darkest hours have all been mentally ill or been a mental health care professionals, and I realised that if I was happy I wouldn't need or want to be mixing with them anymore. Suddenly I felt very lost and desperately alone and when that happens what is my rule... go back into care. It seems a vicious and perpetual cycle that has no escape.

I simply haven't got to the bottom of it to find a solution yet but I am determined to find one and share it with you when I do. In the meantime this song is helping me at the moment.

I have realized that part of my journey has been learning to accept joy into my life at all and it occurred to me that perhaps that's something we, who have suffered the tsunamis of despair all find difficult. So, once I've found the words again I will be sharing a few exercises that have helped me to explore this erstwhile alien concept called 'happiness'. The first of which immediately sprang to mind though so here it is. I don't recall it being taught me, but that's not to say it wasn't.

Your Thank You Card
1. Design the most beautiful card you can - use images that you love... cut them out from magazines, copy and paste them from the web (so long as you don't infringe copyright), draw, paint, scribble or just doodle the emotions in the most beautiful colours you adore. This is a card of self-acknowledgement for all your best qualities - a celebration of you.

2. Write a message inside. Imagine you are receiving the card from someone who sees all your good points, your positive qualities only.

3. Address and sign it to yourself.

Meanwhile I await a further referral for more support from the professionals, who unlike us always have colleagues on board to help them immediately they lose someone or hit on something they find hard to handle. Would our government would invest more in preventative therapies and who knows demand might not exceed supply on emergency, intensive or long-term support measures.

It does help to know that those I love, and those who care about me do want me to suffer and want me to be happy and that even applies to those I have lost and those still suffering. Would I could be the magic wand to help everyone to find their own path to happiness. As ever though, all I can do is share my own journey in the hope it encourages others to set about theirs and to just keep holding on for those times when they need a break from fighting. It does feel woefully pathetic and inadequate at times in respect of what little I can do, but never in spirit. If my will power alone could eradicate suffering then this world would have been free of it decades ago.


  1. Hey, love yourself, forgive yourself and be strong. We can all be good and bad at times. We are human.

  2. Thank you Page... seems I need to make a card for myself! Not like me to be like this on here, not what it's purpose is. Usually have no trouble getting medical support when I need it though... it seems demand is exceeding supply these days though. You've just reminded me of something else to add to the post... thanks!

  3. Have a look at this: http://www.stephenfry.com/forum/topic/reality-the-enemies-blindfold-a-mental-fight

    We have something in common

  4. Thank you for that. I hope others read it too as it already is helping others understand bipolarity better and what helps. Mindful thinking... exactly. Bit of a struggle for me today, but am getting there. Sometimes emotions need to get out first to be able to think clearly, sometimes the emotions have a clear out after the thoughts are in place. I believe both serve a purpose and are needed.


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