One of the biggest revelations in my life came about in a counselling session I had. It was pointed out to me that we can choose how we react to things. The idea that anyone 'makes' us feel good, bad, angry, content, happy or sad is a false one. The proof of this is simple. At this moment I am making you feel a certain way. Is it working? What emotion was it that I was projecting to you?
Knowing we have a choice helps us understand why others react to things in ways which can often surprise, delight, shock or worry us - they have the same choice, even if they are not aware of it. You cannot and do not have control of what they feel. Young children are good examples of this - they immediately display what they feel as they feel it. So what happens in our development for us to start believing others are responsible for what we should always take ownership for ourselves?
Next time you find someone does something annoying try stopping yourself reacting and say, "I have a choice in what I feel about this", and then weigh up if it's worth all the time and energy to get upset. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't but it then becomes a conscious decision you make.
It took me over a month to even entertain the concept of being in charge of my own feelings after that counselling session. Since then I have been practicing for many years, and the more I practice the calmer and happier I've become. My friends will tell you I still get angry, upset, excited, happy etc, but it's helped me to recognise that those are my reactions and that they are not dependent on others. It has also helped me set boundaries and coping strategies such as time-limits and suitable outlets for my negative emotions so they no longer consume my life. Don't think for a second I don't slip up and find myself still saying that that person "made me feel shit today", but more often than not I'm catching myself doing it and then choose to not let them. It's been very liberating for me, and I hope it will be for you.
Last week my cat died. I had a choice - do I dwell on her not being here anymore and feel miserable or celebrate the eighteen years of wonderful company she gave me? I chose the latter. I still feel sad but less so than I would be had I chosen the former. I won't deny that bereavement and other life-changing events are special cases but even then, being conscious of what we are feeling, that we have ownership of those feelings and can choose what we feel can help. It was after all in counselling for bereavement that I first learned I had this choice and it helped me move on; it helped improved the quality of my life by opting to concentrate on the positives more and more.
Next time...
I will write a little about 'Six Hats' by Edward de Bono. I have a feeling I've loaned my copy of the book out again, but will do my best to enlighten you as to why that too has been so helpful.
